ZEN & THE ART OF HOUSE PAINTING

As all homeowners are invariably, painfully aware, painting, either interior or exterior, can be a very expensive proposition. In fact, it’s egregious to the point of near extortion to have it professionally done. Savvy folks also know that the cost of actual materials is relatively inexpensive and the skill required for a great job relatively low. So, when one hires this out, it means that one is paying a massive premium for an insanely high-margin for what amounts to relatively low-skilled labor.

This then begs the question, why do so many people hire professionals to paint their homes? It’s actually a very good one and, traditionally, for me, the deciding factor has always been time. To be sure, I’ve never hired a painter for interior projects as they are extraordinarily easy and can be knocked out in less than a day for a room or two. However, I’ve always hired out the exterior work as it is significantly more time intensive and it would otherwise take me many months trying to tackle the job exclusively on weekends.

DIY, BABY!

However, this is no longer the case as I now have all the time in the world. So, looking at the $7000 quote to have the exterior of Fate Estate painted, I figured I’d just do it myself. I’ve done quite a bit of painting in my day and, while I truly despise it with every fiber of my being, I’m actually really, really good at it. That said, that left me with no legitimate reason to pay someone without being consumed by the feeling of being a colossal, lazy sack of oatmeal.

It was pretty easy to estimate the materials cost by taking some measurements, identifying the paint I wanted and accounting for the few supplies I needed to get. Using the absolute best exterior paint on the market, I figured the job would cost about $600 (final cost was $642). That would save me about $6400. I don’t know about you, but, to me, that’s quite a bit of scratch. With that amount, I could, literally, fly 1^st class to Tokyo, stay in a suite at the Ritz and eat at the finest sushi joints – for 10 consecutive days! Plus, pay the sitter for the cats, plus return with a few coins in my pocket.

Since the house, garage and studio were already unpainted and the siding pre-primed, the job would be less complex than a normal one that entails the usual washing & sanding involved in grueling and time consuming preparation. Most painters, with a sprayer, could knock this out in less than 40 total hours. For those paying attention, that translates to an hourly rate of $175 or the equivalent of an annual salary of $364,000. All that for, at best, semi-skilled labor, which gets me back to my original point.

So, full of vim, vigor, and visions of Tokyo sushi, off I went to procure my supplies. Flash forward over a month and 59 total hours later to when I finally completed the project. It looked absolutely stunning, but I had learned me quite a few lessons along the way.

A HEARTBREAKING CASE OF STAGGERING INEFFICIENCY

You’ll recall above when I mentioned the use of a sprayer, right? Arguably, the best method to get a lot of paint up pretty quickly, particularly on siding. Yeah, I didn’t use one. Why? Well, I hadn’t done so before, so I figured the learning curve would cost me time and opted to roll it instead. This also came with the bonus of a guarantee that I would not fuck it up. Plus, there was a tremendous amount of trim, fascia, and other work that would require a brush anyway. That said, using only rollers and brushes was diabolically inefficient. Insanely inefficient. In fact, if you exclude the roller, it is impossible to have been more inefficient.

While this was one excellent example of the inefficient aspect of my approach, it was not the best. The best was not spending the coin to rent some residential scaffolding and relying exclusively on ladders. Of the total 59 hours the project took me, I estimate that more than 50% of that time was climbing up/down and repositioning ladders. The only serendipitous benefit of this idiotic decision is that I no longer have any fear whatsoever at being 30′ off the ground supported by only my legs while my arms are splayed wide applying tape or paint in a gale-force wind. This, of course, may be offset by the possible future cost of PTSD counseling.

The last example of inefficiency was doing the project by myself. I, gratefully, had about 6 hours of help on the final, non-ladder trim, but it was, effectively a one-Fate show. This was a gargantuan mistake, even if I was able to write a number of blog articles in my head while doing so. Nevertheless, not asking for help is one of my 3.2 million personal flaws and foibles, and it really was to my detriment here.

MY MIND IS YOUNGER THAN MY BODY

This lesson did not come as any particular revelation. I am, and will always be, the age of 32 – in my mind. And, as it relates to my physicality, this is precisely how I behave. This is generally a good thing as it ensures that I never become paralyzed by fear of injuring myself engaging in ridiculous activities, and, as a result, I generally don’t.

However, it was not an insignificant slice of humble pie to learn that my body, at least to the extent that it involves crawling about on ladders, cannot be physically exerted beyond 5 hours per day. After this point, my weaker ankle simply became too strained and unsure footing 30′ on a ladder is not what is considered desirous. This became exponentially problematic as the task wore on and I needed to take 1 or more days off after a 5 hour session to heal (see examples of inefficiency #2, #3 in previous section). That said, my pecs, shoulders and arms looked glorious afterwards and I dropped 6 pounds as I hobbled about with a gimpy gait secretly wishing I had a walking frame.

RESPECT & GRATITUDE

Aside from this crash course in humility, I also came away with a profound sense of respect and gratitude. Respect not only for myself having completed the project, but for others who do the same day-in and day-out. Construction, even painting, is not physically easy and is certainly demanding on one’s body. For those who do this sort of work as a career, my hat’s off to them.

I am also extremely grateful that I am fortunate enough to have the time to undertake and complete such a project. It was arduous (as expected), but worth the while. Now, every time I look at my house (which is every day) I think, “Yep, I painted that sucker all by myself. By hand, mofo!” Like anything you accomplish on your own, it’s a magnificent feeling.

SO, WOULD I EVER DO THIS AGAIN?

I’ve spent more than a few hours contemplating this question and my answer is, unquestionably, yes. With provisos. Using scaffolding and having another person assist are at the top of the list. Honestly, for less than $500 I could have had both and the project done in about 60% less time and 85% less wear on my ankle. I was simply being lazy and cheap there and I paid a much larger cost for doing so. The sprayer is a distant second, but I may give it a whirl next time around (10 years or so) after learning and practicing a bit. And, if I’m honest, so long as I have the time & physical wherewithal, paying $175 an hour for painting will never be okay, unless of course it’s you paying me for that service.

WAIT, WAS THERE ANY ZEN?

I think the only thing I actually do enjoy about painting by myself is that it does offer a certain, peculiar level of tranquility where I can get into a bit of a zen-state and just be. Sometimes being exclusively focused on the basic task at hand all thoughts, cares and worries cast asunder is a beautiful place to be. I also found this level of monk-like calm was a requirement high atop the ladder, cold wind bellowing down upon me and not thinking about soiling myself.

So there you have it. I’ve got to get rolling now as I need to work on planning trtheip to Japan. Bring on the sushi!

BONUS IRONIC EPILOGUE

Despite over 30 hours of standing on all manner of ladders at a number of different heights during the project, I never had a slip, fall or any other specimen of mishap, even when the pain in my ankle was excruciating and I could barely walk. Ironically, it was last week that I fell from a 7′ ladder when trimming tree branches at my folk’s place. Thankfully, what with being only 32 and all, I walked away from that with only a torqued knee and a slightly bruised ego.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

Ever painted your house? Engaged in a large-scale home improvement project? How’d it go? What did you learn? I’d love to hear your thoughts.