THE LAST ROMANTIC ON EARTH

I recently found myself in conversation with a friend where we were discussing the always absorbing topics of dating, love, and the modern relationship in general. We had not journeyed too far down this unfathomable rabbit hole before I began to share some of my personal experience with meeting prospective new partners. My principal protestation was that, at least in my experience, people are just not serious about being serious and, it seemed to me, to be apprehensive about investing time or emotional spirit into creating something wondrous.

As per usual, she countered my mild tirade with an insightful question that underscored her brilliance. “Do you ever think that partnering up is just a lot of work? Why not just be a solo traveler through life, but be open to other kinds of experiences, including love?”

Well, I was having none of it and exclaimed, “Yes, of course, it’s hard as fuck. But without sacrificing some bit of you, you cannot ever expect to build something better.”

“You are a rare breed these days,” said she.

Now, on somewhat of a roll, I stated, “Sometimes I feel like the last Romantic alive on this planet”

And then the conversational path turned somewhat gently to the left, “It’s amazing you’re staying one. Most people get that beat out of them. We live in a world of ‘infinite possibilities’ where a new partner is a swipe away. That kind of conviction cannot co-exist with this reality.”

But as a true Romantic, I positively could not let that go. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but it can and it does. One simply needs to look more closely. Anyway, that’s the title for my next article, ‘The Last Romantic on Earth!'”

“Spoken like a true Romantic,” was her closing comment.

ROMANTICISM: A PRIMER

Before we proceed further, I believe it’s critical that we’re aligned here. To this end, allow me to digress momentarily to offer a brief overview of what I mean when I use the term “Romantic.”

To be clear, it has little, or nothing, to do with what many people would consider “romance” in a contemporary context. It is not some clever ruse hatched by corporate executives and marketeers at greeting card companies, floral boutiques, or confectioners the world over. Nor does it encompass the seemingly endless, so-banal-it’s-absurd fire hose of drivel in much of today’s films, TV shows and books that attempt to pass themselves off as somehow being, in any way, grounded in Romanticism.

For me, romance is not about love, per se. It is about a way of being and engaging with the world. My definition of Romanticism goes far, far deeper – back to the original art and intellectual movement that originated at the end of the 18^th century. Key characteristics include authenticity of expression, rejection of organized religion, and a deep suspicion around emerging industrialization (technology).

Most important, for me anyway, is its primary concern with emotion and individualism. Romanticism is, at its essence, about emotion being the authentic source of the aesthetic experience. It is about a way of living life. German painter, Caspar David Friedrich, stated as such when he said, “The person’s feeling is his law.”

Sadly, as my friend alluded in our conversation, it’s a way of life that has been systematically driven to the point of extinction, or perhaps entirely snuffed out by left swipes, Candy Crush, and the 5-second attention span. By the loss of being thoroughly mesmerized by a gorgeous pink ribbon in the sky during a graceful Northern sunset while it majestically twists upon itself until it is gently subsumed by the twilight.

In any event, now you get where I’m coming from.

ON ROMANCE

In May, The Westport Library in Connecticut held its annual Malloy Lecture in the Arts. The speaker this year was renown painter, fine artist and musician, Richard Butler. Butler is best known as the co-founder and vocalist for the seminal, now legendary, post-punk band, the Psychedelic Furs.

While Butler was both erudite and charming throughout the hour of speaking, what struck me as a focal moment of the engagement was when he was asked if he identified as a Romantic. It was fascinating to watch his face and then utter his answer, all in less than a second. The answer, surprising to no one, was “Yes. Yes, Absolutely.” and was tinged with a bit of incredulity that there could be any other reasonable response to this question.

It was a fine moment and got me thinking more about the notion of romance and we Romantics, in general. I began to ask myself questions such as, “If me and Richard identify as Romantics, how many other people do as well?” “Are there certain types of people who are more predisposed to embracing Romanticism, and, if so, what are the specific characteristics that cause them to do so?” “Can we Romantics exist in today’s contemporary world?” It was this that, ultimately, led to the conversation in the beginning of this article.

As these questions are somewhat rhetorical in nature, there is, of course, no conclusive answer to any of them. However, when I really applied some mental rigor, I quickly realized that most of the people I’ve curated in my life – close friends, creative partners and the like would all self-identify as being a Romantic. Moreover, every single woman I have loved in my life, would do the same. I also realized that each of these individuals is also a “creative” of some sort. That certainly doesn’t mean that all creatives are Romantics and vice-versa, but I would fathom that there is a fairly healthy overlap in the Venn diagram betwixt the two.

Does all of this mean that when a gaggle-full of Romantics are together, or simply two in a relationship, the interpersonal dynamic may have the proclivity to become mercurial and tempestuous at times? Of course, that’s the very nature of emotion and authenticity; the very nature of “a person’s emotion being their law.” However, in my experience, it’s always worth the price paid.

Perhaps it’s nothing more than my unconscious seeking of kindred spirits that has resulted in this. Perhaps something more. That said, it’s clear I resonate with others who share a penchant for individualism, emotional honesty, and unwavering conviction in the face of conventional norms that espouse and value the opposite. It was not lost on me that there is an exceedingly strong parallel and interrelationship between Romanticism and the values of two other of my core ideals: punk and financial independence.

THE ROMANTIC AS ANACHRONISM

Is the Romantic an anachronism in today’s society? My guess? Probably. As my friend said, “We live in a world of ‘infinite possibilities’ where a new partner is a swipe away. That kind of conviction cannot co-exist with this reality.”

So, how does a Romantic survive, let alone thrive, in a “give me convenience or give me death” culture typified by egregiously vile things such as “dick pix” and “titty shots” that are not only pervasive, but have become the norm? How can the Romantic compete with the mass delusion of obtaining real “love” with nothing other than the swipe of a finger or the ubiquity of weapons-grade pornography? How can the Romantic transmit and amplify their emotion and authenticity in a world that becomes incrementally less so each day?

The answer is, in fact, incorporated in my friend’s very statement. By conviction. By being real and true. It is just that simple. However, just like losing weight or generating wealth, it takes concerted commitment every single day.

What I find astounding about all of this is that, by way of the research & interviews me and my co-author have done for our “middle aged dating survival guide” book, an overarching theme of both women and men is the remonstrances of potential partners not being “emotionally available.” My own experience, generally, resonates with this sentiment, but more on that in a minute.

Anyway, my reaction to this is “Why don’t you just find and date a Romantic (or at least hedge your odds with a creative)? Hell, emotional availability & openness is the base-level requirement to entry for Romanticism. But, you know, that may require getting serious about it all and whatnot.

Just remember – a legitimate Romantic leads with an open heart; with vulnerability. With the courage to brave the improbable and, always, always with conviction. They do not lead with a poorly lit snapshot of their sorry, disembodied ween (or boobies).

A CAUTIONARY TALE FOR THE ASPIRING ROMANTIC

I will assert that there are many successful approaches to a life well lived. However, inherent in all of them are potential pitfalls that range from minor chinks in the proverbial armor to wholesale blind-spots and we Romantics are not immune. The largest of which, in my experience, is to imbue meaning, emotion or potentiality on to something when, in actuality, it cannot, or will not, ever exist.

To wit, at one point in my life, I found myself in what could charitably be described as a “whatever-ship,” yet was categorically convinced I could nurture it into a legitimate relationship (all the while knowing full well, deep down, it was forever doomed to be a “nothing-ship.”). I discovered the hard way that in a relationship characterized by full emotion and no emotion at all, the two don’t average themselves, but rather attempt to asphyxiate each other, always resulting in the demise of the union.

And after being unexpectedly subjected to a veritable litany of calamitous news elsewhere in my life, it all became too much to bear, and in a decidedly unceremonious and regrettably undignified way, I tore the entire thing asunder. I awoke the next day with a tinge of sadness, but mostly what I felt was overwhelming relief.

That was, of course, short lived as my romantic tendencies refused to lie dead on the matter and began to delude me into, again, thinking this ‘whatever-ship’ could, indeed be a relationship. The death rattles lasted another 10 days or so, before I completely emotionally disengaged from the entire affair.

It was, assuredly, some time until I was able to get out from under the residual shame that my romance-infused delirium allowed me to get lost in something so patently ridiculous.

That said, even with the clarity of retrospection, I cannot resist seeing the poetry in it all. As any self-respecting Romantic would admit, I am a sucker for the raw emotion and passion of failed romance every time.

EPILOGUE

So, irrespective of all its sundry pangs, idiosyncratic ideals, and demands of personal conviction, how is it being a modern Romantic, one might ask? My response is that it’s precisely the same as embracing a punk ethos & ideology as well as the tenets of financial independence – two of my other core aspects. In short, it’s pretty fucking rad!

Take my hand

and let us go then you and I

Into that dream blazing in the darkness

We don’t have long.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

Do you, or have you ever, identified as a Romantic? If so, how? If not, why? As always, I’d love to hear from you!