PROJECT 66.6 ON THE SUNSET STRIP: PART 2

Welcome back to Part 2 of Project 66.6 on the Sunset Strip. Be sure to check out Part 1 if you missed it. Anyway, after mainlining over 55 hours of undiluted, pharmaceutical-grade 80s Hair Metal, I’m here to present my overall findings. Thankfully, I took copious notes during the listening session and can confidently share with you, dear reader, the best of the best and the worst of the worst as well as a few other surprises.

Before we celebrate the titans of 80s metal and their respective best albums, let’s take a closer look at the patently awful dregs of the sub-genre. This may seem counter-intuitive, but identifying the worst bands was actually infinitely more challenging than identifying the best. There’s just so much crap, it’s really, really difficult to objectively determine who is the most rotten.

Fortunately, I knew going in that this was likely to be an issue and, as mentioned above, took superb notes because there was no way I was going to subject myself to multiple listens of these sonic turds. In any event, I present to you the Top 5 worst 80s Hair Metal Bands.

TOP 5 WORST BANDS

#1 Stryper – A christian hair metal band? Jesus Christ. Outside of the admittedly contrived religious angle, there’s plenty more to despise about this band. Like, the absolutely ridiculous penchant for covering everything in black and yellow stripes, the decidedly derivative sound, throwing out bibles at shows and, most importantly, having written the single worst lyric in this genre (and probably all of rock history). That being, “Jesus is the lover of your soul, he’ll fill you up with all you need.” Holy Hell!

#2 Pretty Boy Floyd – These moronic chaps had absolutely everything going for them. The big hair, the spandex, the lipstick, the good looks and the rockin’ tunes with the anthemic sing-along choruses – everything. They were only 11 years too late. They essentially are the bellwether of the official end of hair metal. Nothing more than a pathetic cartoon of the real deal.

#3 Kix – Oddly, these dudes started relatively early releasing their 1^st album in 1981 and it was awful. They tried a little too hard at a tongue-in-cheek angle that just doesn’t come over well at all. They ultimately teamed up with Warrant’s producer in 1988 and released a steaming pile of dookie that, inexplicably, went platinum.

#4 Dokken – Irrespective of the potential money to be had, the fact that ostensibly semi-intelligent record company executives allowed Dokken to even happen should be considered a crime against humanity. There is absolutely nothing, even charitably speaking, redeeming about this atrocity. How they managed to sell over 20 million records will forever remain one of the universe’s unsolved mysteries. I honestly believe that Don Dokken is the Antichrist that Stryper is always rabbiting on about.

#5 Great White Lion Snake – And because there was so much aural feces, I had to cheat at my own awards by putting the bands Great White, White Lion, and Whitesnake in a 3-way tie for last. Just the fact that one can so easily combine all 3 names together tells you everything you really need to know here.

While the worst bands were exceedingly wretched, the best are truly transcendent. Let’s applaud our winners!

TOP 5 BEST BANDS (AND ALBUMS)

#1 Guns N Roses – Undisputedly, the best band of the entire hair metal and 80s metal category. By a long shot. Appetite for Destruction is an unassailable masterpiece and there’s not a bad song on it. What makes Guns so amazing? In my opinion, it’s a very unique combination of the band having punk-rock underpinnings woven into a sleazy, gutter-rock, manic blues sound. Everyone generally gives Slash all the credit (which he certainly deserves), but the real magic of the band was derived from the songwriting of Izzy Stradlin (and Duff McKagen to a lesser extent). I cite as evidence, that once the original lineup was altered, the band devolved rapidly amid Axl’s egomania and exceptionally poor taste (see: swimming with dolphins in “November Rain” video). BEST ALBUM: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION

#2 Motley Crue – Blasphemy, lechery and legendary debauchery – The Crue wrote the book on lifestyle hedonism in the 80s. Moreover, these 2nd wave Sunset Strip rockers made a string of insanely wondrous records that define the Decade of Decadence. From the debut of “Too Fast For Love” in 1981 to “Dr. Feelgood,” it was an exceptionally magnificent run for Vince, Nikki, Mick and Tommy. As Nikki Sixx once famously said, “I wanted a band that would be like David Bowie and the Sex Pistols thrown in a blender with Black Sabbath.” Mission accomplished, boys. Mission accomplished, indeed. BEST ALBUM: SHOUT AT THE DEVIL

#3 Van Halen – To be fair, original 80s hard rock sonic architects, Van Halen, cannot be considered a “hair metal band,” but sure as shit, they are the original Sunset Strip band. Damn, Diamond David Lee Roth was the Mayor of the Strip before Motorhead’s, Lemmy, took over. Without Van Halen, and particularly guitar innovator Eddie Van Halen, there likely would not have been a hair metal scene. I’d put these dudes squarely in the straight-up rock or hard rock category. In any event, they still rule! BEST ALBUM: VAN HALEN

#4 L.A. Guns – As a result of the world only allowing for one punk-influenced, sleazy rock band from the Sunset Strip with the word “Guns” in its name per century, the spectacular L.A. Guns were somewhat relegated to second-class status. Sure, they sold into the gold and “The Ballad of Jayne” was a fairly popular MTV staple, but L.A. Guns never got the limelight they deserve, but they definitely bring the rock. The combination of Phil Lewis and Tracii Guns is, unquestionably, a force to be reckoned with. They also get props for never breaking up and have been delivering the goods from 1983 to today. BEST ALBUM: L.A. GUNS

#5 Quiet Riot – Like Van Halen, Quiet Riot is another of the OG hard rock bands that paved the way for 80s hair metal. Started by rock guitar heavyweight, Randy Rhodes, Quiet Riot help define the musical blueprint for the sub-genre. Fortunately, they came into their own about 10 years after starting with their breakthrough album, “Metal Health” and enjoyed some global fame and appreciation, particularly with their cover of Slade’s “Cum On Feel the Noise.” BEST ALBUM: METAL HEALTH

FATES FAVES

Aside from the Top 5 Best and Worst there are also a few others of my personal favorites from the hair metal sub-genre.

Favorite Guitar Sound: This award goes to Mick Mars of Motley Crue. Hands down, the best, most original, most electrifying guitar sound in this genre (and all metal for that matter). Criminally under-rated as a musician, Mars is the Motley Crue sound. Unlike many (most) bands, Motley only has one guitarist and Mick makes it sound like far more. Big, fat, melodic and intense – it’s hard to believe Mars can effortlessly meld it all together for an incredible punch.

Favorite Musician: Perhaps as Guns N Roses’ solid bassist, Duff McKagen may go a bit under the radar, but I love this guy. A former punk from Seattle, McKagen brought that sensibility to the band and helped differentiate them from the masses and propel them to global fame. Moreover, I dig Duff not only because he’s a punk and a bassist, but after leaving Guns went back to school to pursue a BS in Business & Economics. He then became a notable investor being early in on Starbucks and Amazon as well as starting his own financial services & wealth management firm and writing the financial column for Playboy. Oh yeah, he also wrote a couple of great, best-selling books in there as well.

Favorite Singer: I’m certain someone, somewhere is going to give me shit for this, but while everyone always waxes poetic over Axl Rose’s 9-octave range, he’s got nothing on Sebastian Bach from Skid Row. That’s right, Sebastian Bach. Without a doubt, Baz, is easily the most technically competent, proficient singer in the genre (and up there for all metal). His range eclipses Axl and, overall, the general tone and sound of his voice is far better. Don’t believe me? Listen to this, then this. As a side-project, I listened to about 4 hours across 12 different Skid Row shows to see if Baz ever hit a bum note. Not a one.

Favorite Song: Okay, and now for the moment of ultimate truth – my favorite hair metal song? And the winner is: “Kickstart My Heart” by Motley Crue. With a kickass intro, Mick Mars’ guitar playing and sound combined with Bob Rock’s over-the-top production, this song Just. Fucking. Kills. Period! The best of the best.

ENCORE

So concludes our tour of the wonderful world of 80s rock & hair metal. Hope you enjoyed it and I certainly suggest you take a listen to the Top 5 albums. Even if the hard stuff ain’t your bag, there’s plenty to enjoy and even some gentle ballads in there as well.

A few people have asked me, “What does this silly project have to do with FI, Mr. Fate.?” Well, I’ll tell you. For me, FI means having the time and ability to do anything you want, irrespective of how meaningful (or in this case, trivial) it may be. You can pursue your passions, interests and even whimsy at any time and for any reason. All of my Fates On Fire projects, including this one, are perfect examples of that. And you know what? I’d easily listen to 4 consecutive Dokken albums than know I have to go to work tomorrow.

Lastly, for all us frugalicious folks, I used Spotify to listen to all these albums. More so, I strategically waited until the 90-day trial special for $10 came my way. I listened to all 67 albums over a 10-day period, thereby the total cost of the project was less than $1.25. How’s that? While not intended to be a shameless plug, if you listen to a lot of music and/or you have an interest in exploring different types, the regular $10 per-month fee for Spotify is a pretty solid deal.

AUTHOR’S NOTE/CLOSING THOUGHT

Since the age of 11, I have unabashedly immersed myself in the world of rock n’ roll. It’s tough to recall any day that’s gone by where I didn’t listen to, read about, think about, talk about, play, perform, or just generally relish in all things rock. This to confidently proclaim that half the fun of loving music is hating on it – including 80s metal and “hair metal.”

As I mentioned previously, pretty much all of these bands, including those in the Top 5 Worst, are all competent to excellent musicians. I may not personally dig their output, but one can easily hear the fact that tens of thousands of hours were spent in bedrooms. squats, and storage warehouses learning and perfecting their musicianship.

Unlike today’s “AutoTune Dildo (featuring FuckyFuckwit)” who couldn’t sing “Happy Birthday” in tune (or play a G chord on a guitar) with a rifle to their heads, all of the bands featured here worked hard and earned the right to play to an audience. It doesn’t matter if I love or hate your music, as a fellow musician, I will always respect your dedication and effort.

Vive le Rock!