PROJECT 66.6 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

Oh, the glorious 80s. The “Decade of Decadence” where everything was bigger, brighter, more outrageous and more ostentatious than everything else – including the music. It was a fabled time where metal ruled the airwaves, and dominated MTV and the hearts of America’s youth. This peculiar period in history gave birth to a bizarre, but fitting subspecies of music – 80s Metal or its more pejorative name, “Hair Metal.”

Typified by insanely tousled hair, held aloft by cans of Aqua Net hairspray; garishly colored & printed spandex clothing and copious amounts of makeup for both genders; this outlandishly low IQ, high RPM brand of sonic nonsense could only hatch from one place – Los Angeles’ famous Sunset Strip.

MY LIFE ON AND OFF THE STRIP

While I was living in LA at the time the hair metal scene was at its zenith, I was generally not paying too much attention as I was preoccupied perfecting my ideal post-punk/deathrock look (which, admittedly, also included copious amounts of makeup). Nevertheless, there was a bit of crossover with some of the more punk-influenced bands like Guns N Roses, Faster Pussycat and L.A. Guns who played at our parties and off-Strip clubs like Scream.

Metal and, particularly, LA hair metal, was decidedly not my jam. However, I will confess to having made a sojourn or three to the Strip on a Saturday night or hit the premier metal club, The Cathouse, on a Tuesday because while I found the music less than riveting, that scene, inexplicably, seemed to draw every gorgeous female into its orbit. Which, as a young man, I did find quite riveting.

In any event, it was around while I was around and because it was ubiquitous on a massive, global basis, I was familiar with many of the bigger bands like Motley Crue, Van Halen, both bands with the word “Guns” in their name and their respective hits. In fact, anyone watching or listening on Planet Earth probably was as well.

METAL HEALTH WILL DRIVE YOU MAD

As a self-fashioned “rock music historian,” I continued to be marginally familiar with the hair metal scene as I got older. However, it was until very recently that I happened to come across Richard Bienstock & Tom Beaujour’s spellbindingly awesome book, “Nuthin’ But a Good Time: The Uncensored History of the 80s Hard Rock Explosion.” Meticulously curated and executed, this is certainly the definitive tome on “Hair Metal,” with voices from nearly every player in the scene imaginable. Even those, with only a cursory interest will find this book absolutely mesmerizing.

As I was reading this book, it dawned on me that, aside from the aforementioned large bands, I’d never really actively listened to much of the music from the 80s Hair Metal scene. This was not surprising, as I don’t really care for it, but I thought it could be the basis of yet another one of my silly Fates on Fire projects like going a month without a screen or reading 32 books in a 30 days.

And so I jumped feet-first into the frothing maw of 80s Hair Metal!

And just like partying with Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx, it turned out to be one of the most unforgettable experiences of my life, and one that I would never, ever do again as it would, assuredly lead me headlong and fast to an early grave.

A QUICK NOTE ON PLAYLIST CURATION

As we’re dealing with metal music, albeit the lightweight variety, it was compulsory to somehow shoehorn “the number of the beast”, 666, in there somewhere. I thought it would be clever to listen to 66.6 of hair metal’s, erm, “finest” albums much later realizing the folly of my decision as a result of my now severely compromised sanity and mental health.

I selected only those bands that were legitimately of the Sunset Strip scene and, for balance, the larger 80s hair metal cadre. It excludes metal originators like Black Sabbath or Ozzy, New Wave of British Heavy Metal bands like Iron Maiden, Def Leppard, & Motorhead, as well as thrash bands like Metallica or Megadeth. Just the (mostly) goofy stuff here.

PROCESS & GENERAL OBSERVATIONS

My process was fairly haphazard in that I made a list of bands and then simply dove straight in via Spotify starting with their first album. Again, since most of these bands are not my cup of tea, I started with those I either a) liked or b) knew I could easily tolerate. This stratagem served me well for about 25 albums then it became increasingly clear that I was going to have to endure 30 or so albums of abject dogshit.

This is where the going got particularly difficult. I won’t lie, when I was suffering through two consecutive Dokken albums, I nearly bailed out of the project having now realized the idiocy of this endeavor. But, reader dearest, persevere I did. By album 50, I realized that the 80s hair metal genre is deep, but not particularly wide. Meaning that there just are not a ton of bands, but they all seem to have rather extensive catalogs. I then decided to re-engage with some of my faves at a live-level to assess their organic sound. This also helped me make it to the finish line celebration with live Guns and Motley.

Like most music genres, there are a handful of heavyweights and the rest of the pack is weak or simply awful. This is the case with hair metal. Big bands that are household names like Van Halen, Motley Crue and Guns N Roses are rock titans because they are actually good. There is a reason why they’ve sold as many albums as they have and earned their place in rock history. Pretty Boy Floyd and the Vinnie Vincent Invasion? Not so much.

However, there are objectively horrific bands like Cinderella, White Lion and, most notably, Poison, who have sold millions as well. Not as much as the big boys, but still. This is a superb object lesson of the power of corporate marketing and the ridiculous influence record companies once had on the culture.

It was also interesting to hear the sonic progression of the style, such as it is. It became very clear that there are 3 distinct “waves” of hair metal. The first, is comprised of 70s bands who effectively laid the landing strip and generally architected the sound: Van Halen (1972), Twisted Sister (1972) and Quiet Riot (1973). The next wave were those who formed in the 1^st part of the 80s: Motley Crue (1981), L.A. Guns (1983), Guns N Roses (1985). The final wave were those bands that formed in the back half of the 80s or even 90s: Winger (1987), Bang Tango (1988). Even a casual music listener can track the deleterious trend in both quality and innovation as the decade wore on.

The final general observation is the fact that with only two exceptions (Poison and Faster Pussycat) the members of each band I listened to were very competent musicians on a technical basis. In fact, hair metal has within its ranks some of the finest rock musicians that ever lived. Dudes like Slash, Eddie Van Halen, Randy Rhodes, Billy Sheehan. and Jake E. Lee come immediately to mind. However, the genre is a great example of how little technical competence really matters in art. Particularly as it relates to innovation, audience engagement, and creating generally great art. The reality is that if you don’t have anything to say, whatever you create will be weak, likely derivative and certainly boring. As is the case with most of the bands I listened to.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE

Before we close out Part One of this series. I did want to share a few of the pleasant & interesting surprises I stumbled into.

1. The 1^st two Twisted Sister albums are actually really good. This was over a decade before they devolved into a ridiculous cartoon band. In fact, “Under the Blade,” their first release sounds vaguely like “Land of Rape & Honey” era Ministry.
2. I actually dig Quiet Riot. It’s odd as I despised these guys as an early teen, maybe just because I hated all metal at that time. Nevertheless, they made some very solid rock music.
3. I never listened to crap bands like Tuff, but, honestly, they are far better than most of the bottom of the barrel bands I endured.
4. With the exception of C.C. DeVille who is only just “okay,” the rest of the members of Poison are lamentable musicians. Brett Michaels is routinely out of tune and Rikki Rocket is, behind Meg White of the White Stripes, the worst professional drummer in rock history. It just goes to illustrate my earlier point about technical competence. Clearly confetti cannons, silly string, and having a virtual army of women being totally into your band are far more critical elements to worldwide stardom.
5. I dig Van Halen, but listening to their 1^st 5 albums, they actually had a lot of filler. The great stuff was transcendent (Eruption, Everybody Wants Some), but there’s some drivel in there as well.
6. Both Motley Crue and Skid Row have songs named, “Rattlesnake Shake.” Go figure.
7. The Beastie Boys’ seminal hit, “Fight for Your Right (to Party),” is a direct rip-off of Twister Sister’s “We’re Gonna Make It,” including the “Kick It” phrase to launch the song.
8. It’s been argued that Grunge killed 80s hair metal, but that’s not the case. In listening to what amounts to the “canon” of this sub-genre, it’s clear it simply consumed itself. By the early 90s there was just nowhere else to go. Everyone sounded the same, looked the same, were produced by the same people – it just transmogrified into a pathetic caricature of itself while its tousle-haired head began to gobble its platformed-booted tail. A guitar solo can only get so fast and spandex so tight before they self-immolate and forever combust. Just like pretty much every other sub-genre in music. It was just co-ink-a-dink that Nirvana became popular during this part of the process. And, of course, Grunge then started and, much more rapidly, completed the same cycle all over again.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!

Having ingested over 55 hours of hair metal, Part 2 has lots more fun in store. We’ll be taking a closer look a the Top 5 Best & Worst bands and albums along with “Fates Faves” and the hilarious “Over-Bleached Hair Awards”. Most importantly, I’ll address the question of what any of this has to do with Financial Independence and/or early retirement. Nuthin’ but a good time, indeed!

Vive le Rock!

THE PLAYLIST (IN ORDER LISTENED)

1. Skid Row – Skid Row
2. Skid Row – Slave to the Grind
3. Motley Crue – Too Fast for Love
4. Motley Crue – Shout at the Devil
5. Motley Crue – Theatre of Pain
6. Motley Crue – Girls Girls Girls
7. Motley Crue – Dr. Feelgood
8. L.A. Guns – L.A. Guns
9. L.A. Guns – Cocked and Loaded
10. Faster Pussycat – Faster Pussycat
11. Twisted Sister – Under the Blade
12. Twisted Sister – You Can’t Stop Rock ‘N Roll
13. Ratt – Out of the Cellar
14. Ratt – Invasion of Privacy
15. Cindarella – Night Songs
16. Quiet Riot – Condition Critical
17. Guns N Roses – Appetite for Destruction
18. Guns N Roses – Use Your Illusion I
19. Guns N Roses – Use Your Illusion II
20. Guns N Roses – The Spaghetti Incident
21. Guns N Roses – Lies
22. Van Halen – Van Halen
23. Van Halen – Van Halen II
24. Van Halen – Women and Children First
25. Van Halen – Fair Warning
26. Pretty Boy Floyd – Leather Boys with Electric Toys
27. Van Halen – Diver Down
28. Poison – Look What the Cat Dragged In
29. Poison – Open Up and Say…Ahh
30. Warrant – Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich
31. Warrant – Cherry Pie
32. Kix – Kix
33. W.A.S.P. – W.A.S.P.
34. W.A.S.P – The Last Commant
35. Tuff – What Comes Around Foes Around
36. Jetboy – Feel the Shake
37. Vixen – Vixen
38. Poison – Flesh & Blood
39. Bang Tango – Psycho Cafe
40. Lita Ford – Lita
41. Twisted Sister – Stay Hungry
42. Dokken – Tooth & Nail
43. Dokken – Under Lock & Key
44. Poison – Poison’d
45. White Lion – Fight to Survive
46. The Vinnie Vincent Invasion – All Systems Go
47. Great White – Once Bitten
48. Stryper – Soldiers Under Command
49. Mr. Big – Mr. Big
50. Lizzy Borden – Love You to Pieces
51. Whitesnake – Whitesnake
52. Van Halen – 1984
53. Quiet Riot – Mental Health
54. Lizzy Borden – Terror Rising
55. Quiet Riot – Live from the US Festival 1983
56. Motley Crue – Live from the US Festival 1983
57. Van Halen – Live from the US Festival
58. Trixter – Trixter
59. L.A. Guns – Hollywood Vampires
60. L.A. Guns – Live from Hollywood
61. Winger – Winger
62. Skid Row – B-Sides Ourselves
63. Ratt – Dancin’ Undercover
64. Ratt – Reach for the Sky
65. Ratt – Rarities
66. Guns N Roses – Live Like a Suicide
67. Motley Crue -Live 2000 (66.6% of album)

BY JOVE: AN AUTHOR’S NOTE

An erudite reader performing an even cursory analysis of the playlist may be under the misapprehension that I inadvertently neglected to include one of of the largest “hair metal” acts of all time: Bon Jovi. And, they would be wrong. I intentionally omitted The Jove specifically because they are not, nor have ever been a metal band, let alone a Sunset Strip or “80s hair metal band.” Bon Jovi falls squarely in the “Wuss Rock” sub-genre. Johnny and the boys are essentially a more attractive version of .38 Special. But don’t take it from me. As founding Bon Jovi member and guitarist, Richie Sambora once said, “We’re more Phil Collins than Whitesnake.” And while the same argument could be made for the execrable Whitesnake, who did make the playlist, they were only added because of their affiliation with 80s Sunset Strip figure and “video vixen,” Tawny Kitaen (RIP).